Applied Romance

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. How that conflict is resolved depends largely on how well the emotional aspects of the conflict are managed. Unfortunately, most people do not manage emotions well, and don’t even know it’s possible to manage emotions during conflict. Sometimes, the best way to manage conflict is to reduce the emotional engagement by having one party physically leave the scene, and refusing to communicate with the other party. Withdrawing communication takes two forms, a leadership form and a manipulation form.

1. Disengagement: A leadership tactic.
2. Freezing out: a manipulation tactic.

Let’s take a closer look.

Disengagement

Disengagement is stopping communication to allow emotions to dissipate outside the context of the argument, with the full intention of resuming communication once unproductive emotions have been dissipated. The disengaged person allows, even encourages communication, but only within a mutually beneficial frame. Disengaging is not manipulating, it’s simply doing something better with your time, regardless of her opinion. Disengaging allows you to accept her good behavior with equanimity, while freezing out requires you to actively “punish” her bad behavior.

Freezing out

“Freezing out” is a manipulation technique used to assert frame control. The person doing the freeze out refuses all communication for a time, then allows communication within a strictly frame dominant manner. The key to freezing out as manipulation is that it treats all attempts at communication as supplication. Freezing out also carries with it an implicit double bind: you are expected to play so that your attempts at communication can be rebuffed, else you will be accused of “damaging the relationship by not communicating.” The worst thing about freezing out is that it requires emotional commitment; freezing out requires adding energy into the relationship. But this is bad energy. Don’t do it.

Practical advice

As a man, manipulation is unseemly; leading is much better, and use disengagement sparingly. If you are effectively leading in other aspects of the relationship, you won’t need to disengage very often. When you have to disengage, set a condition for picking up the conversation later. The way I do it is act like everything is normal, nothing unseemly happened, and let’s just pick up where we left off a while back. I do not revisit old arguments, either on my initiative or on the the other parties initiative. If there is an unresolved issue, I resolve it to my own satisfaction internally, and let it stay unresolved externally.

If you are in the position of being “frozen out,” take advantage of it! Do your own thing, have fun, don’t worry about she thinks. If she really is freezing you out, she will either come around later, or not. Either way, it’s her business. Above all, do not increase your attempts to communicate with her if she treats your attempts at communication with contempt or disrespect. Much better to demonstrate real interest in something more productive than useless arguing. That is, if a woman freezes you out, you disengage. Don’t freeze her out in return, which will result in an arms race.