Applied Romance

Regardless of one’s spiritual beliefs, the Bible is chock full of wisdom. Consider this little pearl from Deuteronomy 22:10 (King James):

Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together.

This applies to any relationship requiring an investment of emotion or energy by two or more partners.

In any relationship, each partner brings value to the table. Leil Lowndes, in “How to Make Anyone Fall in Love” provides a brutally honest description of how this process works. Don’t be fooled: she writes for a mainstream audience, but reading between the lines, she lays it all out in black and white.

When one partner brings more value to the table than the other, there is potential for trouble. Often, value is completely subjective, and the assessment of value by one partner of the other may be completely divorced from any objective assessment of material benefit. In other words, if one partner feels another has no value, no basis for communication exists.

Other times, the situation may be reversed. There are objective criteria which can be measured. One partner falls short.

One very curious aspect of this is that the partner claiming the yoke may find it a self-fulfilling prophecy. The other partner or partners become a growing hindrance: “If only they would do this or that, then I could really shine.” Resentment grows, then flows, putting more and more strain on the relationship. This is similar to the principle of stress flowing through a solid. Stress concentrates around the strongest part of an object, that part most capable of carrying the load. Perversely, this also means the part mostly likely to fail catastrophically.

Two examples:

1. Within my marriage, my ex-wife and I were unequally yoked. I had greater earning power, and she had an unusual and materially detrimental health issue, which I accepted when I married her. As our relationship matured, we found ourselves growing apart. We had fundamental differences of opinion on how best to proceed within the relationship. I felt I had given as much as I was able to give her, she felt I wasn’t giving enough, then left. Had I known then what I know now (wisdom comes with such a price), I would have taken steps to provide more solid leadership much earlier in the relationship. This may have resulted in the relationship dissolving earlier, or it may have resulted in the relationship being much more successful. Either result would have been preferable to what actually happened.
2. Being equally yoked applies in business as well. Partners and employees come with various forms of value. Some partners may bring more time to the table, others may bring more money to the table. When one person can’t “match and raise,” the yoke increasingly falls on the others. How the enterprise handles value has a large effect on it’s success, especially in early stages for young businesses.

Reharnessing

As usual with all forms of relationship gamesmanship, loss of rapport is quickly followed by loss of trust, so it pays to figure out where the yoke doesn’t fit and create a new “harness” better fitting the relationship.

A good leader will capitalize on those values others bring to the table, even — especially — when this value is complementary. And just as in a romantic relationship, notions of value in business may be subjective or objective. Drawing from my personal experience, I had a subcontractor once who was absolutely horrible at communication. I don’t know why. It was infuriating to me as I regard excellent communication as fundamental, and frankly, I enjoy it. As the contracting party, I felt insulted that he was reluctant to communicate with me even though he was being paid to do so. By allowing the feelings of insult pass, and modifying my expectation of his work, I was able to keep him in the harness as a very valuable part of my team.

What are your experiences straining against the yoke? Have you dealt with this in either romantic or business relationships? Write a comment!