Applied Romance

Here is a little secret I’ll share with you, one that doesn’t play well with almost anyone: disrespect rarely matters in modern dating, romance or business.

It truly doesn’t.

We have laws against dueling. Replying to assault (which can be verbal, difficult to prove) with battery (physical, much easier to prove) puts you into the other person’s frame, and puts you on the wrong side of the law.

What matters is how a person’s actions affect your bottom line.

Olden days

It used to be — and we probably evolved this way — that disrespect was a direct, “bottom line” issue. In a small tribe, or a hunter-gathering clan, one’s inability to deal with disrespect had direct social consequences (loss of mating opportunities), and direct results on one’s material well-being (last in line for food). These days, the primary consequence of disrespect is the emotional short-circuiting we suffer from being legally and socially unable to rectify disrespect. It’s this internal state that results in bad consequences. Emotions are contagious, and living a life of frustration, anger, bitterness and contempt from being “disrespected” will result in a living an unhappy life indeed. And not just a lonely life, quite possibly a life alone.

Dispassionate Evaluation of Disrespect

Letting go of your emotional reaction allows you to rationally and dispassionately calculate exactly what your time and effort are worth — and your gains and losses — when someone makes the mistake of misjudging your natural good cheer, open heartedness and generosity for supplication and weakness.

Whenever you feel disrespected, step back. Examine it deeper, figure out why you have that emotional reaction. It’s impossible to receive respect on demand, it has to be earned.

When you step back, you can find out what your role was in losing respect. Then, handling disrespect becomes a favor you grant the other person given they are worth the effort. That is, their disrespect of you hurts them, not you, and that’s why you need to check their behavior.

When Disrespect is a Pattern

If you find the feeling of “disrespect” to be a perennial issue in your relationships, of whatever kind, it’s a result of one of two things:

1. failure to screen appropriately, or
2. failure to lead appropriately.

This is not to say allow yourself to be mistreated! It simply means that when you are mistreated, examine within yourself how you may have brought such treatment on yourself. Where did the perception of weakness come from? Is it really a weakness, or simply a perception? Is this actual or perceived weakness harming your material interest? If so, are you protected? Can you recoup a potential loss? Or is it better to cut your losses now? In any case, take immediate, decisive and impersonal action to rectify the situation.

Exceptions

Obviously, there are exceptions, and these exceptions are exactly when being disrespected has material costs. These exceptions are especially common within social structures that explicitly operate on respect, such as prison, military service and fraternal organizations where the bottom line is social standing.

For example, being locked up.

I found myself in (AusTex) city lockup once, back in 1984. My cell mate decided he was going to have himself a cigarette. I informed him I didn’t like smoke and that he should not smoke. He replied that he really didn’t give a crap what I thought, he was going to smoke all he wanted. I felt disrespected… so I told him I was going thrash his ass right there in cell if he lit up, because I didn’t care how long I was in the clink. He decided to wait on his cigarette.

A short time later, I was in the US Marine Corps, another situation where social respect is critical: if you can’t hang with the abuse, you’re going to have a hard time.